BAND PROJECT/SOMETHING I WOULD ACTUALLY NORMALLY WRITE ABOUT

OKAY! Well, Mr. Sheehan. I mean, you can go through my old posts and read them to find out a biography about me, but to not waste your time, here's a simple one.

My name is Mikayla. I play alto sax, piano and I wish I could say guitar but we aren't really friends at the moment. I just made district band (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so I guess I can't say I'm bad at saxophone anymore. I've kind of quit piano lately but I'm gonna get back to it maybe. I was in kanit last year so I guess I'm somewhat a percussionist if you count fighting Harber in a power rangers shirt as percussion. I kind of love band. Like it's pretty much all I talk about. Pretty sure I annoy people too much about it.

GOALS:

1. Become more confident.
So I don't know if this is accurate as 'something that's reachable' because I have been trying to become confident for a few years. I guess confidence isn't something that just comes to me. To get more confidence I guess I just have to let go of some of my petty fears. Going into something, like auditioning for district band, I even told myself like 'It's not a big deal if you don't make it, just go and play', but in the moment I freak. I could also try to play for other people more so it's not a big deal when I have to play for the people that matter, aka you haha.

2. Play more musically.
I think when I played piano I did play my saxophone more musically, but now that I've quit, I just have to get 'closer' I guess to my saxophone. To work on this I can listen to the piece I'm playing and try to hear how it is supposed to sound. Or, like what I used to do with piano, find a memory that the piece sounds like and play it thinking of that memory. If the song is sad, find something sad. If it's happy, find something happy.

3. Make SWE.
This one... Well I hope it's possible haha. I think it's measurable since I made district band. I could do it by practicing like every single night like I did for district band so I can try. I can also go to all my sax lessons and get as much help from my teacher as possible.

ESSAYS:

What does music mean to me? Well, music has just always been there. I mean, I'd like to have one of those cute stories where I had been singing before I could talk, playing around on the piano before I knew what notes were, but I don't. To be completely honest, I absolutely hated piano for the first four years I took it. The teacher I had was annoying and made me do these little finger exercises and made me learn scales and I was just like... Why are my parents paying for my personal torture? (And this was before Mr. Kunkle, I did love him when I took from him). So then in fourth grade my parents bought me a new form of torture- a saxophone. This time, I couldn't even breathe when I played it, and I couldn't even play the normal easy stuff I played on piano because it was in a different key. Like what the heck?? I went through elementary school a little easier though. People thought I was cool for playing instruments. Then, band camp. This was just a way of torture that I didn't think I could handle. So enough about my non-musical past. I don't know if it was band or Mr. Kunkle to thank for my love of music, maybe both. Mr. Kunkle got me to love piano in seventh grade with beautiful songs I couldn't even attempt to read that he got me to play. Then around eighth grade band started to grow on me. People didn't make fun of me for being a band geek and I was kind of okay at it. So here I am now, slightly better at saxophone, on a break from piano and I am in love with music. Now how did this long paragraph of my musical past prove what music means to me? If I'm being truthful, I don't know where I would be without music in my life at this point in it. Pretty much everything I have is from music: my friend group, my opportunities, my inspiration. I owe music my life because who knows what I would be doing right now without it. With music, I can express myself. I can be with a group of people that I love and they love me back no matter what happens. I have something that I'm good at and no matter how down I am sometimes I honestly just think about something that's going on at band later or what is going to happen at sax quartet next week and I'm instantly better. Without music, I'm nothing. But with music, I can be something. Yes, I did say can. Sometimes music stresses me out so much I want to scream. It's hard work. I constantly worry about who is the best and whether or not I'm good enough. But it's worth the good moments. Like the time I heard I was good enough for district band. Or that time we went to the first football game and literally got a compliment from everyone. Music is my life now, and that's why it's so special to me.

The six words that describe me as a musician are pessimistic, inspired, dedicated, developing, enthusiastic and hopeful.
Well you can guess why I chose pessimistic. I'm not the most confident player and I don't know why honestly, maybe because I'm so obsessed with being the best. Hopefully I can work on the whole confidence thing so that next year that can be one of the words I use to describe myself. But I also am hopeful and dedicated. I decided to use dedicated along with hopeful because it's not like I sit around waiting for something fantastic with music to happen. I practice all the time and I always pay attention in band, even if saxophones are supposed to be 'relaxing'. But I'm hopeful because I dream about what would happen if... For example, I dreamed what would happen if I made district band. (Sorry I keep bringing that up I'm just SO EXCITED). And from dreaming all these things I thought would happen if I made it, I worked harder. I'm only in 10th grade so I included developing. Never will I ever be a famous saxophone player- that's not my goal. My goal is to be the best I can be, and by developing each year I am living up to that goal. I also included enthusiastic because, well...... Band is pretty much all I talk about. It's the highlight of my day, the highlight of my week when we have a parade or something and marching band is the highlight of my year. (Is that sad?). Band and music make me, me. Like I said in the other essay, I don't know where I would be without it. My last word is inspired. I like to think that I'm one of those musicians that uses inspiration to be talented I guess. Music never ceases to amaze me. There's literally like anything I could possibly think of music-wise and I still wouldn't even be skimming how much music is out there. As a musician, I'm constantly looking for new ways to be amazed and music always has inspired me.


OKAY well you can comment below (I think/hope).

OH and here's my awkward pic of me sadly staring off into the distance during pregame I think. 

(I have no idea why I'm sad like what's up with that?)

What did the ocean say to the sand?

Nothing, it just waved.


HAHAHAHAHAHHAA.


Please excuse me, I'm procrastinating a history assignment.



*crying*

I don't know what I ever did to make my parents hate me

except you know, get good grades, not do drugs and be talented.

adult or not so adult

I guess I've been feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to get back on here. Wow, I was a wreck last year wasn't I?! Well, be happy to know high school is freaking awesome. I love everyone and all my new friends. I finally feel... I don't even know.. Mature I guess? I turned 16 a few weeks ago and I think it's finally hitting me just how different life is when you hit that stupid number. Suddenly, you're an adult. I can drive (with a legal guardian watching my every move). I can get a job (again with a legal guardian watching my every move). And for God's sake, I can even hop on a plane to Germany and grab a beer and drink it (hopefully with a legal guardian watching my every move). So really am I grown up if society expects adults to hold onto me so tightly I lash out and ruin my relationships with family? Honestly I don't know, but I'll keep ya posted.

only three years.

I think I finally have it all together. I have college visits scheduled, all my stuff for school in two weeks, volunteer jobs and even a real job lined up! So yes, my future is looking bright. Well on paper it's looking bright. But you know how when you have so much stuff on your plate you can't put 110% in everything because that would be impossible- so some things are at about 75% and some are at 80% but then there are the others lacking around 15%. Lately those lacking would be my personality adjustment- the only thing I still hate about myself is that shyness thing you know? I haven't been with my friends much lately, only my best friend and even he's bored with me I think. I used to be stuck in a rut with my future and now I'm stuck in a rut with my present. I don't want to go places- I want to sit around planning how college will be and what kind of activities I'm going to do in the next couple years. But I guess no one gets very far without some friends. So I'll go to the parties and all the hang outs and movie trips but I won't enjoy it. I'll be sitting there, counting down the minutes until I finally leave all these bad people and this hell hole for the beginning of a new me.

never grow up

I think an essential question for me has always been, when do we grow up and become something? Lately I've definitely had a little trouble with the whole 'acting your age thing', being that I am constantly jealous or lying or being sad and fishing for attention. There are those people out there that have always been grown up- the ones that say 'I can sleep when I'm dead' or (and yes, I know its over used) but 'Yolo!'. I was never able to be that girl that went around saying what she really felt and doing whatever seemed fun. I would always be there, too scared to get on the big rollercoaster or afraid to stand up for a best friend. I looked up to those people who could do that, and considered them mature and grown up. I still haven't had that big moment where suddenly I'm not a kid anymore and not walking around with my head to the ground or putting up with childish emotions. So maybe that never happens. Could even those big people who do things on a whim not be fearless? Could adults still have sadness and jealously? I don't know if I want to know. To me, living with this 'maybe it'll get better' idea in my head, is a lot better than having to lose the dream that maybe someday I'll be better.

relying sucks

I think the hardest thing in the world is needing someone when they don't need you. Sometimes they don't even realize you need them and they just let you walk around aimlessly, following someone who doesn't notice you. I recently went to a dance at my school and this issue was everywhere. Girls trying to get guys to notice them, friends dancing with other people to make their best friends jealous- and no one significant noticed. One of my best friends has a crush on another of my friends. It's hard because at one point I really liked him and he liked me, but I was too stuck on being popular that I never said yes. And now that he doesn't want me, it's sort of like being thrown away. And one of my other best guy friends? He didn't talk to me all night. Don't get me wrong, it was really fun. I just see all of my friends going away and my friends are the only things that keep me sane. When my two best friends start dating, his two former girlfriends, also in my friend group, will be so mad and not talk to him. And my other friend is distancing himself. So what am I going to do without them? Are they so caught up in their petty drama to realize that for the past three years, although they have been awful at times, have been the years that kept me from being alone, from being someone I wasn't? Do they not see those days we used to just talk forever about anything, and make those stupid little inside jokes that no one forgets but wants to right now? I don't just need them, I need all of them together. And I know they need everyone too. Maybe they just haven't realized it yet.

for my friend

I start out the conversation,
With 'how was your day's
And 'what's up?'s
Your simple reply,
A little playful 'fighting',
Then I try to remember.
Was there a day I went without you?
And how did I survive?
"I'm always here",
A quick remark to a fickle heart,
A heart with your words tucked away in it,
The questions unanswered,
Constantly running through my head
I need you,
Your little witty sayings,
Your short but perfect advice,
You smiles, your hugs,
Separation from you
Is something I can not handle.
It always happens, though
Those little breaks in friendship,
Different paths,
Different lives,
Walking to our own destination
What if our paths weren't meant to corss again?
What if I'm stuck in this big world without my best friend?
Maybe that's a good thing though
You will have kids, a beautiful wife,
I'll send you a text now and again,
'We should meet up'
But we never will.
So will you promise me?
To never forget me?
To tell your kids the stupid things we did, show them the pictures?
Will you still be my friend in the end?
I don't think I will forget you,
You changed my heart, my mind,
You made me a better person,
You made me, me,
I end the conversation,
With a simple good night,
A 'see you tomorrow' or two,
Hopefully our stupid little conversations always end like that.

zodiacs

Normally I'm not one to believe in superstitions. You saw a ghost? You need a counselor. You believe in magic? You belong in an insane asylum. People create things like magic and ghosts to help them deal with things that they can't without some other being helping them along. I always did have an interest in zodiac signs though. For those of you who don't know what they are, zodiacs are things you are born with. Each one represents about a month of time and whenever you are born, you get that zodiac. Most zodiacs are supposed to be reflective on what kind of personality that person has. Luckily for me, I was born on October 23rd. Some zodiacs say that's Libra. Others say it's Scorpio. So yeah, I'm the freak with the two zodiacs. Naturally on days I have time, I like to look at my horoscope on both zodiacs. They are usually freakily accurate. Characteristically, Libras are like obsessive, to put it lightly. They are described as shy but intelligent, and to be very compassionate, and fear hurting others or hostile situations. Like that is me. But then Scorpios, they are the stubborn ones. They get jealous and easily hurt, and have a really strong emotional strength. So, is it strange that out of all the zodiacs, these are a mixture of me, and I was born between them? Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe I should also start believing...

a lifetime

I always have those little lesson learned moments at the end of every year. In 7th grade I learned that I was kidding myself- I would never be popular, and I was right where I needed to be. In 8th grade, I learned that the people who you thought would always be there for you sometimes leave. It may not be the end of the year yet, but this lesson I've learned should carry me through. I used to think having a boyfriend would be the best thing in the world- over everything. I would even compromise myself just to have a certain boy's approval. But last night, sitting in a room with my friends just being myself and having fun, I realized that it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not meant to be one of those girls who goes around flirting and kissing guys for fun. That's not me. I am someone who can just walk through life with a hand on each side to hold of a friend and enjoy myself. So maybe I don't have a boyfriend, and I turned down the only boy recently who was ever interested in me(even if it was for the wrong reasons), but I have friendship. And friendship lasts a lifetime.

bad flirting fate

I don't know if it's fate that leads us to do things. Maybe I was destined to be one of those band geeks. Maybe being a little shy was just written in the stars for me. So why does it seem like everytime I try to lead something in my favor, it turns sour? Was I destined to be a turn off when talking to guys? I don't think God is THAT cruel. I guess this whole post is about my 'ew why is that potato talking to me' effect I have on guys when I try to flirt. It figures that out of every guy that I possibly know, the only one that wants to flirt is the one I don't want to flirt with! I think my guy friends just look at me as that girl who they will love but never LOVE love. That girl that's kinda funny, but is treated as 'one of the guys'. That girl that's kinda pretty... But have you seen *****?! I'm just kind of stuck in this little in between place, and I have no idea how to escape. I'm stuck in the cage of my bad flirting fate.

unfortunate events

Today's post is about unfortunate events. You know like those times where you get that awful gut feeling because you know you said something wrong? Ah, yes.. For example once at a church camp I made a joke with the word 'bitch' in it. Long story short, I never really went there again. And not only do these awful things haunt us, but they all seem to come up at night when all anyone wants to do is sleep. Which is actually kind of why I am writing this as my eyes slowly close in exhaustion and another memory pops up. Lord help me.

the perfect pair

I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do.

I can't think of anything

But you.

Your hugs, 

Your smile,

Those beautiful eyes,

Somedays I think I'm losing my mind.

You make me feel breathless,

You make me feel sick,

With everything you do,

Ever so perfect

But why would I matter?

Why would you care?

I'm merely a little girl

It's really not fair.

I just want to be special

I want to be yours

But that's just fantasy

You're too mature

But you'll be in my dreams

And forever there,

I'll be in your arms,

The perfect pair.

the monster

there's this voice in my head.
she speaks to me everyday.
muzzles can't touch this blabber.
what is this voice?
i call her many names.
my favorite is monster.
she speaks of hatred,
she speaks of jealously,
she speaks of evil.
Do this.
Do that.
this voice controls me.
she makes me stress.
she makes me worry.
she makes me cry.
Work.
Work.
Work.
all i get are commands.
Be better.
Must be the best.
all i get are pessimistic words.
Ugly.
Fat.
Loser.
i can't get away.
all i am is a slave to her demands.
but what is her newest demand?
Leave.
No one cares anyways.
Who said you had friends?
Who said your family loved you?
she is now screaming it.
screaming at me to leave.
her screams never cease.
i can't get away from her...
... but what is that?
you say this voice is me?
it can't be!
how could it?
i am a slave to myself?
i am the monster?

yes.
i am the monster.

recreation.

I spent my last weekend being anorexic. Lol, jk. Well sorta. I went to this 30 Hour Famine thing where we obviously didn't eat for 30 hours. Now, I'm not gonna get on here and talk about how amazingly fun it was (which it was), but kinda what I learned. When I write on here, it's usually me complaining about something, whether it be friends, or my dad, or something really stupid. I mean, they showed us all these videos of children that barely had any clothes, let alone a reason to be upset that theirs weren't designer, and some didn't even live with their parents anymore, but yet I constantly complain about my loving ones. It was just kinda one of those 'Whoa, I'm an awfully spoiled person' moments. So, from now on, I'm not gonna complain anymore on here. I'm gonna write about happy things, or at least reasons to be happy. And I'm gonna be a different person now. I mean, I have a new school next year, new possibilities, new people, new friend possibilities... Now's the time to recreate myself. And this isn't gonna be one of those things where the girl gets all snotty and then learns a lesson... I'm gonna recreate myself for the better and just be an all around better person. But most of all? Every night I'm gonna think of those kids, and I'm gonna pray for them. They deserve what I have more than I do. But, they really can't. So, instead, along with my praying, I will be the best person I can be. That's all God wanted anyways.

almost lovers

I don't really know if I should be writing this. Chances are, it'll bite me in the butt. But hey, oh well. Do you know what an almost lover is? It's one of those people that you sorta kinda had a thing with and it didn't work out. I have a couple of those, maybe four. All of those guys I'm still friends with, some more than others, so it's not like it was one of those nasty things. But see, almost lovers are even worse than real lovers. Almost lovers are those people that you think you love, and you think they love you, but neither of you really do. In this process, almost lovers almost always cause heart ache. They are one of those people that you want to be happy, but yet it kills you to see them with someone else. All of my almost lovers I've never gotten over. I guess part of me still has that hope, even though I know it will never work, and I really don't like them. It's hard getting over almost lovers. Sometimes you just have to say goodbye to that person they were and accept the person they are now though, because living in the past sucks. So, goodbye to all my almost lovers.



*inspired by the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy*

me

So I never really introduced myself on here. I'm a very tough person. Some people I let through me easily, but others just don't know the real me. I don't think anyone currently knows the real me. Some I don't trust, some I don't know well enough to trust, some don't deserve to know. Shy is pretty much my middle name. I was never one of those little kids that would jump at the chance to be the star or the attention grabber. I was usually the little kid in the back of the room, sitting quietly, waiting for my turn. I don't know if that's why suddenly when I became less shy I wanted to be the center of attention, but I'll admit it: I want attention sometimes. I come off as bitchy this way. Like if I'm doing something to get back at someone and they don't even notice it just makes me more upset. I also have a hard time getting over things. So these personality traits all mix together into one big giant mess that is me. Whenever I finally get a best friend, I usually push them away with those traits. Either I'm too pushy or not pushy enough, or I lean on them too much, tell them too much, and I come off as whiny. What no one knows though: when I tell people something about me, one of my insecurities, it means they are a step closer to my trust. And now since no one reads these, I'm going to say some of my biggest secrets I guess. I give myself away easily. Like, if a guy comes up to me, I would fall into his arms if he wanted me to. Sometimes I confuse what I just said with what some guys want to do with me. It ends badly. I also purposely stress myself out. I get back aches and head aches from too much stress usually and I purposely make myself stressed so I get the pain. I don't know if that's like a weirded out version of cutting yourself, but I don't know much. People all say I'm really smart, but they don't know how hard I work for where I am. I seriously study maybe two hours a night. It's not natural smart. All those people who say I'm smart? I would be down at their level if I let my guard down for a week. Piano used to be my one love, the one thing that would never hate me. We got in a fight recently, though. I'm on the edge of quitting and I haven't touched it in at least two weeks. I have this thing about being the best- like I said earlier, it's part of those traits. Everyone always tells me I'm good, but to me, I'm not good enough unless I'm the best.

Well, this was pretty much just one of those, 'letters you'll never send' deals. If anyone reads this, don't worry. Again, it's just me.

the pusher.

We all achieve to do something, right? I mean, for example, if you want to be a good baseball player, you get yourself out on the field everyday and you keep in shape. Naturally for me, I get a little obsessive at things when I'm trying to practice, but it's still normal. I want to be good at what I do. I kind of have a feeling that by practicing and by joining everything I've pushed away my friends though. They've found fun in others and I just sit home by myself some nights and watch them go out and have fun. I just wish I could be my old self but still achieve things.

moment of grace

So you know how in High School Musical at the end they all come together with this huge song and forget all their differences and you get goosebumps from the touchy-feely ness of it? I call this happy go lucky ending in movies a moment of grace. We all know that it won't stay that way and eventually things will go back to normal, but for one moment in time, everyone is friends with everyone. Out of everything I want I think that is what I want. My grade is more like the movie Mean Girls... we are all separated into little cliques that stay as far away from each other as possible for fear of being made fun of or humiliated. It's a rough process. I accept my band geek title, as do the whores accept theirs, and the nerds accept theirs. It's almost like an instinct why we do this. When you have your little group, you are cocooned in safety. But say I walk up to one of those popular girls in my grade. They would either A. laugh in my face, B. fake it and make fun of me later or C. just ignore me completely. It's almost like I'm not worthy. Then again, I'd be expected to do the same thing, say an outcast walked up to me. Maybe I want to talk about boys with a popular and an outcast at the same time. Because, really, we are all human, and sectioning ourselves off into little things doesn't help anything. Don't get me wrong, I would be morbidly embarrassed if a song came on out of the heavens and we all knew the words and dance moves (I'm an awful dancer). That is only in the movies. All I'm trying to say here is, I'm nice to whoever talks to me, and accept them. I don't follow the status quo. If we could all just come together, for one day, even one lunch period, I would be the happiest girl alive. I would've lived a moment of grace.

flirting

OH, the art of flirting! It can make or break you, and make or break your heart. Flirting can either be innocent, or scary, unintentional or completely planned. I have not mastered this art yet, and part of me is glad I haven't. Going around and flirting with everyone you know isn't exactly ideal in my eyes. Now there is a fine line between flirting and friendship, but there's also a fine line between flirting and love. Flirting is just one of those things that is so completely confusing to the other person, which is why I hate it. Like, the person you are flirting with will never know if you truly like them or you are just doing it for the heck of it. I haven't had the joy to be on that side of it yet though. I'm usually the one played with, but not really liked, which just has bitten me in the butt because I then fell for every guy that did. And they all were just doing the regular playing stuff. So those of you that are reading this and think it's just a fun thing to do to see what girls say, or it's just 'built into you', think before you do it.

fly or float

To be free
To be completely unaware
To fly

But to be comforted
To be completely safe
To float



So I don't know why these six lines have been in my head all day. I mean, where I am now, I've always kind of felt like I am in a cage- one that's impossible to get out of. All I've wanted to ever do was be the best and do the best. Get out of this hell hole I guess. But I've been sort of weepy lately. Like, writing that poem yesterday. Or even just looking around my room and finding little reminisces of when I was just a kid. If I start flying now, who knows what's possible? Maybe someday I'll soar. But if I start too quickly, will I be skipping over what would be the best moments of my life? I'm conflicted I guess- do I want to grow up, or do I want to be a kid while I can? Do I want to work hard for what I want to happen in the future or do I want to have fun?

Should I fly or float?

a poem

there once was a girl
who would light up the room
           when she walked in.
and she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly
and she wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat
and everyone loved her just that way.
and she would lose herself in music
and everyone watched when she did
             because she was the best at it
and her parents were proud
and she never did anything wrong
             bringing home As every day
and her mother would hang them up
and show them to everyone
             who visited them
and her friends never left her side
and her boyfriend said he loved her
              always and forever,
and her father would take her out
              on father daughter dates
and would say he loved her
              every night before she went to sleep

there once was a girl
who would lock herself
               in her room so she could just be alone
and she wanted to be beautiful
               but couldn't figure out how
and she started taking pills
               so she could be skinny
and maybe someone would notice her
and yet, people still liked her.
and she was still good at music
and everyone would listen politely
                but sigh with boredom
and her parents started fighting
                but still were proud
and her mother glanced at her grades
                because that's what mothers are supposed to do
and her friends whispered around her
                because she wasn't talking much anymore
and her boyfriend started looking at other girls
and her father went out without her
                on father daughter date night
and would get back too late
                to say I love you.

there once was a girl
who didn't even bother
                going home anymore
and she didn't care to be beautiful
                because she knew she never would be
and this time she just didn't eat
                because she didn't have the energy to
and no one seemed to care anymore
and she didn't touch her piano
                because she was never good enough
and no one asked her why she didn't anymore
                because no one cared
and her parents didn't even talk anymore
                to each other or her
and she never showed her grades to her mother
                because they were all failing
and she no longer had any friends
                for they had all moved on
and her boyfriend broke up with her
and started dating someone who was beautiful
and her father was gone for weeks at a time
                 forgetting about dates,
and even his daughter
and she would say I love you
                 to herself every night.


so that's why
one day when she got home
and no one was there
                she took out her old pills
and played the piano one last time
and left a note for her parents
and texted all her old friends goodbye
and finally deleted her old boyfriends contact
                out of her phone
and remembered all the times
                 she went out with her father
and said one last damned I love you to herself
                 in the bathroom
                 because she couldn't make it to her bed this time.



if this sounds like the poem from perks, good. it was supposed to. i just copied the format because it kind of inspired me to write this.

resolutions.

Well I guess you could say my last couple posts have been quite depressing.... Sorry about that. :3 Anywho, I decided to put on a delayed version of my resolutions. (I know, wow, girl, you are only 15 days late!) Now normal people would be like, I wanna lose weight or I wanna be a better person, and some of my resolutions are the normal 'I want to change' ones, but there are others that are kind of wacky and special that I wanted to share. And you should know by now I'm not normal.

1. Earn trust.
I know, trust isn't easily given. And this past year I know I've lost most people's trust, whether I was angry at them, or just worried about them and told people what was going on. I'm just afraid people won't be able to come to me if they need help if I keep doing this, so that's number one.

2. Join a sport.
Okay, this one is one of those where people who know me will be laughing as they read this number right now, but hey! Maybe I can at least TRY to be athletic, right?

3. Get style.
I'm one of those rare girls that hates shopping, so naturally my wardrobe reflects that hatred. I'm one of those 'T-shirt, jeans and converse' kind of people. Hoping I can change that.

4. Write more often.
It's one of my loves, and I never do it anymore. :(

5. Give guitar another chance.
I sucked. Plain and simple. And I don't want to give up just yet.

Okay now these are the touchy-feely ones soooo be prepared.

6. Find me.
Everyone at school knows who they are. I'm kind of lost at that. Like.... I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, let alone college! I'm hoping that through writing and music I will be able to find it, but I haven't yet.

7. Inspire people.
Well... this isn't so much inspire, but help. I love when people come to me for advice because it not only gives me a chance to forget about my problems, but I just love being the shoulder that people can lean on when they need it.

8. Stop being so shy.
Ah, it's a trait I've always had, and I've just grown to live with it around people who know me, but I'm afraid people when they just meet me don't want to know more because I'm not my real self.

9. Learn to love myself and others.
This goes without explanation.

10. Be the best I can be.
Okay, you always hear all the people saying that they want to be better, but I don't want to set the bar too high. I'll never be perfect. And I'll never be right for some people. I'll never be so-and-so's best friend, and I'll never be girlfriend material for him, but maybe I'm the perfect best friend for someone else and the perfect girlfriend for that other guy.


This post was just more for my doing that your reading, and if you read it and finished with, "Who cares?" haha nice one and it's okay. And if you finished with "Nice", I think we should be friends. :)

That is all. :)

Losing

I think I'm losing it. And don't ask me what 'it' is. That's just an expression. But I really don't think I ever had 'it', whatever 'it' is. I grew up kind of blind to the real world. I never saw it for what it is until now though. I was blind to everything. Blind to my parent's real thoughts. Blind to the fact that in three short years I am an adult. Blind to the fact that I never had any real people in my life. Blind to the fake love. And when I started this blog post, I was going to say that I would win this battle, try and keep it positive, you know? But I'm up against just about everything in my life and yesterday was like a giant cannon that blew up all my positive thoughts. Every little worry, every little stress is armed against me on the opposite side of the field. And normally I would look beside me and see all my friends, my family, my good things in life standing there fighting with me. But now when I look out, all I see is an empty field and my normal allies against me. I'm losing and this time I don't think I will get back up. And maybe I just don't even want to this time.

friendship

This is a touchy subject for me. You know, I've always kind of had issues with friends. I was either too annoying or too weird or too.... well, me. And no one seemed to like that. I just remember those times in elementary school where I could just go up to someone and say "Let's be best friends!" and they would say okay and we would be inseparable. It has kind of dawned on me recently that I currently am no longer best friends with my elementary friends. And it would be a normal story to say that we all grew apart. But we didn't. I still see my old best friends, my old partners in crime, hanging out and being goof balls, not caring about anything. They sort of pushed me out. Or maybe I pushed myself out. I don't know. All of the friends I had that were really good ones I just pushed away.... My best friend from forever wasn't cool enough for my 'friends' in 7th grade I tried to impress and I pushed her away... She won't even look my way anymore. She will never know how sorry I am.

Also, my friends from right now... well I thought I had finally found something a few years ago that was true. Nothing in my life has ever been true though, so how in the world should I have believed that? We are all separating... I can see it, I swear. There's the bubbly girl who I've known all my life and I know loves me, but she has a boyfriend who never leaves her side. There's the nicest boy I know who I stood up for all of last year and he's against me. There's the girl who I thought was on my side, but it turns out we were never really friends. There's the girl who will do anything to get away from me now just because I'm in a relationship. There's the boy who hates my boyfriend, so in turn he hates me. There's the girl who would do anything to be on our 'leaders' side. And I kind of realized I had no one there for me today. Really all of my 'best friends' I thought I knew, I didn't. It's kind of scary being in the world all alone.

And then there's the boy that means the most to me of all, and he thinks this is all his fault. But it isn't. He truly is the only one there for me anymore. And I'm really afraid I'm going to lose him too.