never grow up

I think an essential question for me has always been, when do we grow up and become something? Lately I've definitely had a little trouble with the whole 'acting your age thing', being that I am constantly jealous or lying or being sad and fishing for attention. There are those people out there that have always been grown up- the ones that say 'I can sleep when I'm dead' or (and yes, I know its over used) but 'Yolo!'. I was never able to be that girl that went around saying what she really felt and doing whatever seemed fun. I would always be there, too scared to get on the big rollercoaster or afraid to stand up for a best friend. I looked up to those people who could do that, and considered them mature and grown up. I still haven't had that big moment where suddenly I'm not a kid anymore and not walking around with my head to the ground or putting up with childish emotions. So maybe that never happens. Could even those big people who do things on a whim not be fearless? Could adults still have sadness and jealously? I don't know if I want to know. To me, living with this 'maybe it'll get better' idea in my head, is a lot better than having to lose the dream that maybe someday I'll be better.