me

So I never really introduced myself on here. I'm a very tough person. Some people I let through me easily, but others just don't know the real me. I don't think anyone currently knows the real me. Some I don't trust, some I don't know well enough to trust, some don't deserve to know. Shy is pretty much my middle name. I was never one of those little kids that would jump at the chance to be the star or the attention grabber. I was usually the little kid in the back of the room, sitting quietly, waiting for my turn. I don't know if that's why suddenly when I became less shy I wanted to be the center of attention, but I'll admit it: I want attention sometimes. I come off as bitchy this way. Like if I'm doing something to get back at someone and they don't even notice it just makes me more upset. I also have a hard time getting over things. So these personality traits all mix together into one big giant mess that is me. Whenever I finally get a best friend, I usually push them away with those traits. Either I'm too pushy or not pushy enough, or I lean on them too much, tell them too much, and I come off as whiny. What no one knows though: when I tell people something about me, one of my insecurities, it means they are a step closer to my trust. And now since no one reads these, I'm going to say some of my biggest secrets I guess. I give myself away easily. Like, if a guy comes up to me, I would fall into his arms if he wanted me to. Sometimes I confuse what I just said with what some guys want to do with me. It ends badly. I also purposely stress myself out. I get back aches and head aches from too much stress usually and I purposely make myself stressed so I get the pain. I don't know if that's like a weirded out version of cutting yourself, but I don't know much. People all say I'm really smart, but they don't know how hard I work for where I am. I seriously study maybe two hours a night. It's not natural smart. All those people who say I'm smart? I would be down at their level if I let my guard down for a week. Piano used to be my one love, the one thing that would never hate me. We got in a fight recently, though. I'm on the edge of quitting and I haven't touched it in at least two weeks. I have this thing about being the best- like I said earlier, it's part of those traits. Everyone always tells me I'm good, but to me, I'm not good enough unless I'm the best.

Well, this was pretty much just one of those, 'letters you'll never send' deals. If anyone reads this, don't worry. Again, it's just me.