friendship

This is a touchy subject for me. You know, I've always kind of had issues with friends. I was either too annoying or too weird or too.... well, me. And no one seemed to like that. I just remember those times in elementary school where I could just go up to someone and say "Let's be best friends!" and they would say okay and we would be inseparable. It has kind of dawned on me recently that I currently am no longer best friends with my elementary friends. And it would be a normal story to say that we all grew apart. But we didn't. I still see my old best friends, my old partners in crime, hanging out and being goof balls, not caring about anything. They sort of pushed me out. Or maybe I pushed myself out. I don't know. All of the friends I had that were really good ones I just pushed away.... My best friend from forever wasn't cool enough for my 'friends' in 7th grade I tried to impress and I pushed her away... She won't even look my way anymore. She will never know how sorry I am.

Also, my friends from right now... well I thought I had finally found something a few years ago that was true. Nothing in my life has ever been true though, so how in the world should I have believed that? We are all separating... I can see it, I swear. There's the bubbly girl who I've known all my life and I know loves me, but she has a boyfriend who never leaves her side. There's the nicest boy I know who I stood up for all of last year and he's against me. There's the girl who I thought was on my side, but it turns out we were never really friends. There's the girl who will do anything to get away from me now just because I'm in a relationship. There's the boy who hates my boyfriend, so in turn he hates me. There's the girl who would do anything to be on our 'leaders' side. And I kind of realized I had no one there for me today. Really all of my 'best friends' I thought I knew, I didn't. It's kind of scary being in the world all alone.

And then there's the boy that means the most to me of all, and he thinks this is all his fault. But it isn't. He truly is the only one there for me anymore. And I'm really afraid I'm going to lose him too.