Losing

I think I'm losing it. And don't ask me what 'it' is. That's just an expression. But I really don't think I ever had 'it', whatever 'it' is. I grew up kind of blind to the real world. I never saw it for what it is until now though. I was blind to everything. Blind to my parent's real thoughts. Blind to the fact that in three short years I am an adult. Blind to the fact that I never had any real people in my life. Blind to the fake love. And when I started this blog post, I was going to say that I would win this battle, try and keep it positive, you know? But I'm up against just about everything in my life and yesterday was like a giant cannon that blew up all my positive thoughts. Every little worry, every little stress is armed against me on the opposite side of the field. And normally I would look beside me and see all my friends, my family, my good things in life standing there fighting with me. But now when I look out, all I see is an empty field and my normal allies against me. I'm losing and this time I don't think I will get back up. And maybe I just don't even want to this time.