a poem

there once was a girl
who would light up the room
           when she walked in.
and she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly
and she wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat
and everyone loved her just that way.
and she would lose herself in music
and everyone watched when she did
             because she was the best at it
and her parents were proud
and she never did anything wrong
             bringing home As every day
and her mother would hang them up
and show them to everyone
             who visited them
and her friends never left her side
and her boyfriend said he loved her
              always and forever,
and her father would take her out
              on father daughter dates
and would say he loved her
              every night before she went to sleep

there once was a girl
who would lock herself
               in her room so she could just be alone
and she wanted to be beautiful
               but couldn't figure out how
and she started taking pills
               so she could be skinny
and maybe someone would notice her
and yet, people still liked her.
and she was still good at music
and everyone would listen politely
                but sigh with boredom
and her parents started fighting
                but still were proud
and her mother glanced at her grades
                because that's what mothers are supposed to do
and her friends whispered around her
                because she wasn't talking much anymore
and her boyfriend started looking at other girls
and her father went out without her
                on father daughter date night
and would get back too late
                to say I love you.

there once was a girl
who didn't even bother
                going home anymore
and she didn't care to be beautiful
                because she knew she never would be
and this time she just didn't eat
                because she didn't have the energy to
and no one seemed to care anymore
and she didn't touch her piano
                because she was never good enough
and no one asked her why she didn't anymore
                because no one cared
and her parents didn't even talk anymore
                to each other or her
and she never showed her grades to her mother
                because they were all failing
and she no longer had any friends
                for they had all moved on
and her boyfriend broke up with her
and started dating someone who was beautiful
and her father was gone for weeks at a time
                 forgetting about dates,
and even his daughter
and she would say I love you
                 to herself every night.


so that's why
one day when she got home
and no one was there
                she took out her old pills
and played the piano one last time
and left a note for her parents
and texted all her old friends goodbye
and finally deleted her old boyfriends contact
                out of her phone
and remembered all the times
                 she went out with her father
and said one last damned I love you to herself
                 in the bathroom
                 because she couldn't make it to her bed this time.



if this sounds like the poem from perks, good. it was supposed to. i just copied the format because it kind of inspired me to write this.

resolutions.

Well I guess you could say my last couple posts have been quite depressing.... Sorry about that. :3 Anywho, I decided to put on a delayed version of my resolutions. (I know, wow, girl, you are only 15 days late!) Now normal people would be like, I wanna lose weight or I wanna be a better person, and some of my resolutions are the normal 'I want to change' ones, but there are others that are kind of wacky and special that I wanted to share. And you should know by now I'm not normal.

1. Earn trust.
I know, trust isn't easily given. And this past year I know I've lost most people's trust, whether I was angry at them, or just worried about them and told people what was going on. I'm just afraid people won't be able to come to me if they need help if I keep doing this, so that's number one.

2. Join a sport.
Okay, this one is one of those where people who know me will be laughing as they read this number right now, but hey! Maybe I can at least TRY to be athletic, right?

3. Get style.
I'm one of those rare girls that hates shopping, so naturally my wardrobe reflects that hatred. I'm one of those 'T-shirt, jeans and converse' kind of people. Hoping I can change that.

4. Write more often.
It's one of my loves, and I never do it anymore. :(

5. Give guitar another chance.
I sucked. Plain and simple. And I don't want to give up just yet.

Okay now these are the touchy-feely ones soooo be prepared.

6. Find me.
Everyone at school knows who they are. I'm kind of lost at that. Like.... I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, let alone college! I'm hoping that through writing and music I will be able to find it, but I haven't yet.

7. Inspire people.
Well... this isn't so much inspire, but help. I love when people come to me for advice because it not only gives me a chance to forget about my problems, but I just love being the shoulder that people can lean on when they need it.

8. Stop being so shy.
Ah, it's a trait I've always had, and I've just grown to live with it around people who know me, but I'm afraid people when they just meet me don't want to know more because I'm not my real self.

9. Learn to love myself and others.
This goes without explanation.

10. Be the best I can be.
Okay, you always hear all the people saying that they want to be better, but I don't want to set the bar too high. I'll never be perfect. And I'll never be right for some people. I'll never be so-and-so's best friend, and I'll never be girlfriend material for him, but maybe I'm the perfect best friend for someone else and the perfect girlfriend for that other guy.


This post was just more for my doing that your reading, and if you read it and finished with, "Who cares?" haha nice one and it's okay. And if you finished with "Nice", I think we should be friends. :)

That is all. :)

Losing

I think I'm losing it. And don't ask me what 'it' is. That's just an expression. But I really don't think I ever had 'it', whatever 'it' is. I grew up kind of blind to the real world. I never saw it for what it is until now though. I was blind to everything. Blind to my parent's real thoughts. Blind to the fact that in three short years I am an adult. Blind to the fact that I never had any real people in my life. Blind to the fake love. And when I started this blog post, I was going to say that I would win this battle, try and keep it positive, you know? But I'm up against just about everything in my life and yesterday was like a giant cannon that blew up all my positive thoughts. Every little worry, every little stress is armed against me on the opposite side of the field. And normally I would look beside me and see all my friends, my family, my good things in life standing there fighting with me. But now when I look out, all I see is an empty field and my normal allies against me. I'm losing and this time I don't think I will get back up. And maybe I just don't even want to this time.

friendship

This is a touchy subject for me. You know, I've always kind of had issues with friends. I was either too annoying or too weird or too.... well, me. And no one seemed to like that. I just remember those times in elementary school where I could just go up to someone and say "Let's be best friends!" and they would say okay and we would be inseparable. It has kind of dawned on me recently that I currently am no longer best friends with my elementary friends. And it would be a normal story to say that we all grew apart. But we didn't. I still see my old best friends, my old partners in crime, hanging out and being goof balls, not caring about anything. They sort of pushed me out. Or maybe I pushed myself out. I don't know. All of the friends I had that were really good ones I just pushed away.... My best friend from forever wasn't cool enough for my 'friends' in 7th grade I tried to impress and I pushed her away... She won't even look my way anymore. She will never know how sorry I am.

Also, my friends from right now... well I thought I had finally found something a few years ago that was true. Nothing in my life has ever been true though, so how in the world should I have believed that? We are all separating... I can see it, I swear. There's the bubbly girl who I've known all my life and I know loves me, but she has a boyfriend who never leaves her side. There's the nicest boy I know who I stood up for all of last year and he's against me. There's the girl who I thought was on my side, but it turns out we were never really friends. There's the girl who will do anything to get away from me now just because I'm in a relationship. There's the boy who hates my boyfriend, so in turn he hates me. There's the girl who would do anything to be on our 'leaders' side. And I kind of realized I had no one there for me today. Really all of my 'best friends' I thought I knew, I didn't. It's kind of scary being in the world all alone.

And then there's the boy that means the most to me of all, and he thinks this is all his fault. But it isn't. He truly is the only one there for me anymore. And I'm really afraid I'm going to lose him too.

Unwanted

Unwanted. Have you ever felt like that? Like no matter what you do or say, no one is going to care and no one is even there for you? It's kind of a sucky feeling. You feel like you don't matter to anyone, so why even try? Well, I kind of have a cure for that. You just have to think of the future. As hard as it may be for you to comprehend, someday, you will mean the world to someone. It doesn't really matter when, but it will happen. And the funny thing? There's probably already someone out there longing for you to notice them and you don't. I get insecure too sometimes. It's human nature. Somedays, I just feel like the ugliest human being ever to walk this earth and I know it will never get better and I'm going to die alone BLAH BLAH BLAH and those rants go on for days. But it's cool cuz, no matter what happens, someone will love you someday and you will love them. Do you know how much life you still have to live as you read this? You have places to go, fantastic people to see and amazing people to be with and guess what? There is someone out there perfect for you. Everyone has an opportunity to be great, and all you have to do is try. Whatever your dreams are, you can't reach them struggling slowly day to day, wishing for a better life. Be yourself, no matter what people think of you. Eat as much as you freaking want, because out of all the things people can be, mean, rude, annoying, fat isn't the worst one. Take risks: Go on that roller coaster you've always wanted to try, but never had the guts. I promise you won't die. Replace those hateful thoughts with positive ones: If you really can't stand even looking at your hair, maybe your eyes are really pretty. Focus on that. Talk to people: You know, it is okay to be the first to text someone. Maybe they were waiting for your text too. Say the wrong thing. It's better to speak up and be heard than wonder what would have happened had you spoke up. Make mistakes: You are human. Fall in love: You will get back up. And you never know. Maybe it will be fantastic. Laugh until you cry. Break rules: You only live once.

LIVE. 

Because life is amazing, but precious. 'Yolo' isn't something to take lightly, you do only live once. So just live.



And remember, no matter how down you are, the best thing to do is smile. You never know how many people's days you can make when you smile. I hope I made your day today.

Love

What is love? Have you ever really thought of that? I mean, it's easy to say you love your parents and family. You just grow up with them saying they love you, so automatically you love them back. It's even easy to love a best friend. You would do anything for them, and they would do anything for you. But I think our vision of real love is a little skewed, not the 'best friend' love, but the 'being in a relationship' love. I grew up seeing all of these girls on TV seeing a guy for the first time, falling in love completely at first glance and then the happy music would play and happily ever after. But you know what I never realized? Those sappy movies, the guy always loved the girls back. No questions, no reality. But this isn't a movie, this is real life. We grow up with automatic love, and fake love in the movies. How are we supposed to know what true love is? Every guy I've liked has just automatically gone in the love category after I've crushed on them and they crushed back. I just never realized what I was saying when I said 'Ohhh I love so and so!!'. Love is a strong word. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone in the relationship way, unconditionally, irrevocably, in love. There are a lot of people that I would do anything for. But really, I don't think love is just best friends, with something on top. I think that relationship love and best friend love are two completely different things. Now if two best friends start crushing on each other, how long does it take to be in love? Who knows! Love is something that is indescribable, so how in the world could you know when you are in it? Right now, all I know is that around him I get butterflies and instantly happy. Is that love? I really don't think so. I think my love for him as a best friend is mixing in with my crushing on him into a messy, complicated thing. I do like him. And he likes me. Do you need real love to be in a relationship that is based on a friendship? Eventually. Do you need it right away? Absolutely not. Loving is marriage. Liking is a relationship between a 10th grader and a 9th grader.... I don't think in high school you need love right away. The love of friendship needs to first boil down to just like for each other, and then build up to love. And I don't think it's possible to love someone so soon in a relationship. What someone in a high school relationship should do, is just be happy together. Wait. There's no need to grow up so soon and say 'Woot! I'm in love! Finally!'. You just need to slow down, and enjoy it. Be okay with just being in like. That's all you really know how to do at this point, and really all you can do. Now if you are in a relationship for like three years in high school, first WOW. Second, maybe then you are in love. Love needs time..... We need time....


Sorry this post is so confusing. Only one reader will actually get it. But it's probably so confusing because we are talking about love. Love is a confusing word.

And?

Have you seen that new coke commercial where the guy drinks the new coke zero that has no caffeine and no sugar or something and the guy keeps going 'and?' because he wants more from life? That's one of my favorite commercials because it captures America how it is right now. For example, Lindsey Lohan. She was perfect: she had money, she was famous and she was pretty. But she kept saying 'and?' and couldn't find anything better in life than what she had, and look where she is now. I always thought I was above things like this. Well, actually, I thought I was above being that average teenager that wants too much. It was easy being that depressed teenager. Being sad because I didn't have this or didn't have that. But it's funny. I made a little  'dream life' I guess you could say a few months ago, of how I wanted to be right now. And it's all here. I should be happy, right? Everything I ever wanted? But I just keep finding myself saying 'and?'. What else is out there for me? What else can I achieve? What is God's plan for me? These questions and the never ending 'and?' keep running through my head.



But this is the biggest question of all, running through my head: How much does it take to be happy, and how much is too much?