To be free
To be completely unaware
To fly
But to be comforted
To be completely safe
To float
So I don't know why these six lines have been in my head all day. I mean, where I am now, I've always kind of felt like I am in a cage- one that's impossible to get out of. All I've wanted to ever do was be the best and do the best. Get out of this hell hole I guess. But I've been sort of weepy lately. Like, writing that poem yesterday. Or even just looking around my room and finding little reminisces of when I was just a kid. If I start flying now, who knows what's possible? Maybe someday I'll soar. But if I start too quickly, will I be skipping over what would be the best moments of my life? I'm conflicted I guess- do I want to grow up, or do I want to be a kid while I can? Do I want to work hard for what I want to happen in the future or do I want to have fun?
Should I fly or float?
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
a poem
there once was a girl
who would light up the room
when she walked in.
and she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly
and she wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat
and everyone loved her just that way.
and she would lose herself in music
and everyone watched when she did
because she was the best at it
and her parents were proud
and she never did anything wrong
bringing home As every day
and her mother would hang them up
and show them to everyone
who visited them
and her friends never left her side
and her boyfriend said he loved her
always and forever,
and her father would take her out
on father daughter dates
and would say he loved her
every night before she went to sleep
there once was a girl
who would lock herself
in her room so she could just be alone
and she wanted to be beautiful
but couldn't figure out how
and she started taking pills
so she could be skinny
and maybe someone would notice her
and yet, people still liked her.
and she was still good at music
and everyone would listen politely
but sigh with boredom
and her parents started fighting
but still were proud
and her mother glanced at her grades
because that's what mothers are supposed to do
and her friends whispered around her
because she wasn't talking much anymore
and her boyfriend started looking at other girls
and her father went out without her
on father daughter date night
and would get back too late
to say I love you.
there once was a girl
who didn't even bother
going home anymore
and she didn't care to be beautiful
because she knew she never would be
and this time she just didn't eat
because she didn't have the energy to
and no one seemed to care anymore
and she didn't touch her piano
because she was never good enough
and no one asked her why she didn't anymore
because no one cared
and her parents didn't even talk anymore
to each other or her
and she never showed her grades to her mother
because they were all failing
and she no longer had any friends
for they had all moved on
and her boyfriend broke up with her
and started dating someone who was beautiful
and her father was gone for weeks at a time
forgetting about dates,
and even his daughter
and she would say I love you
to herself every night.
so that's why
one day when she got home
and no one was there
she took out her old pills
and played the piano one last time
and left a note for her parents
and texted all her old friends goodbye
and finally deleted her old boyfriends contact
out of her phone
and remembered all the times
she went out with her father
and said one last damned I love you to herself
in the bathroom
because she couldn't make it to her bed this time.
if this sounds like the poem from perks, good. it was supposed to. i just copied the format because it kind of inspired me to write this.
who would light up the room
when she walked in.
and she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly
and she wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat
and everyone loved her just that way.
and she would lose herself in music
and everyone watched when she did
because she was the best at it
and her parents were proud
and she never did anything wrong
bringing home As every day
and her mother would hang them up
and show them to everyone
who visited them
and her friends never left her side
and her boyfriend said he loved her
always and forever,
and her father would take her out
on father daughter dates
and would say he loved her
every night before she went to sleep
there once was a girl
who would lock herself
in her room so she could just be alone
and she wanted to be beautiful
but couldn't figure out how
and she started taking pills
so she could be skinny
and maybe someone would notice her
and yet, people still liked her.
and she was still good at music
and everyone would listen politely
but sigh with boredom
and her parents started fighting
but still were proud
and her mother glanced at her grades
because that's what mothers are supposed to do
and her friends whispered around her
because she wasn't talking much anymore
and her boyfriend started looking at other girls
and her father went out without her
on father daughter date night
and would get back too late
to say I love you.
there once was a girl
who didn't even bother
going home anymore
and she didn't care to be beautiful
because she knew she never would be
and this time she just didn't eat
because she didn't have the energy to
and no one seemed to care anymore
and she didn't touch her piano
because she was never good enough
and no one asked her why she didn't anymore
because no one cared
and her parents didn't even talk anymore
to each other or her
and she never showed her grades to her mother
because they were all failing
and she no longer had any friends
for they had all moved on
and her boyfriend broke up with her
and started dating someone who was beautiful
and her father was gone for weeks at a time
forgetting about dates,
and even his daughter
and she would say I love you
to herself every night.
so that's why
one day when she got home
and no one was there
she took out her old pills
and played the piano one last time
and left a note for her parents
and texted all her old friends goodbye
and finally deleted her old boyfriends contact
out of her phone
and remembered all the times
she went out with her father
and said one last damned I love you to herself
in the bathroom
because she couldn't make it to her bed this time.
if this sounds like the poem from perks, good. it was supposed to. i just copied the format because it kind of inspired me to write this.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
resolutions.
Well I guess you could say my last couple posts have been quite depressing.... Sorry about that. :3 Anywho, I decided to put on a delayed version of my resolutions. (I know, wow, girl, you are only 15 days late!) Now normal people would be like, I wanna lose weight or I wanna be a better person, and some of my resolutions are the normal 'I want to change' ones, but there are others that are kind of wacky and special that I wanted to share. And you should know by now I'm not normal.
1. Earn trust.
I know, trust isn't easily given. And this past year I know I've lost most people's trust, whether I was angry at them, or just worried about them and told people what was going on. I'm just afraid people won't be able to come to me if they need help if I keep doing this, so that's number one.
2. Join a sport.
Okay, this one is one of those where people who know me will be laughing as they read this number right now, but hey! Maybe I can at least TRY to be athletic, right?
3. Get style.
I'm one of those rare girls that hates shopping, so naturally my wardrobe reflects that hatred. I'm one of those 'T-shirt, jeans and converse' kind of people. Hoping I can change that.
4. Write more often.
It's one of my loves, and I never do it anymore. :(
5. Give guitar another chance.
I sucked. Plain and simple. And I don't want to give up just yet.
Okay now these are the touchy-feely ones soooo be prepared.
6. Find me.
Everyone at school knows who they are. I'm kind of lost at that. Like.... I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, let alone college! I'm hoping that through writing and music I will be able to find it, but I haven't yet.
7. Inspire people.
Well... this isn't so much inspire, but help. I love when people come to me for advice because it not only gives me a chance to forget about my problems, but I just love being the shoulder that people can lean on when they need it.
8. Stop being so shy.
Ah, it's a trait I've always had, and I've just grown to live with it around people who know me, but I'm afraid people when they just meet me don't want to know more because I'm not my real self.
9. Learn to love myself and others.
This goes without explanation.
10. Be the best I can be.
Okay, you always hear all the people saying that they want to be better, but I don't want to set the bar too high. I'll never be perfect. And I'll never be right for some people. I'll never be so-and-so's best friend, and I'll never be girlfriend material for him, but maybe I'm the perfect best friend for someone else and the perfect girlfriend for that other guy.
This post was just more for my doing that your reading, and if you read it and finished with, "Who cares?" haha nice one and it's okay. And if you finished with "Nice", I think we should be friends. :)
That is all. :)
1. Earn trust.
I know, trust isn't easily given. And this past year I know I've lost most people's trust, whether I was angry at them, or just worried about them and told people what was going on. I'm just afraid people won't be able to come to me if they need help if I keep doing this, so that's number one.
2. Join a sport.
Okay, this one is one of those where people who know me will be laughing as they read this number right now, but hey! Maybe I can at least TRY to be athletic, right?
3. Get style.
I'm one of those rare girls that hates shopping, so naturally my wardrobe reflects that hatred. I'm one of those 'T-shirt, jeans and converse' kind of people. Hoping I can change that.
4. Write more often.
It's one of my loves, and I never do it anymore. :(
5. Give guitar another chance.
I sucked. Plain and simple. And I don't want to give up just yet.
Okay now these are the touchy-feely ones soooo be prepared.
6. Find me.
Everyone at school knows who they are. I'm kind of lost at that. Like.... I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, let alone college! I'm hoping that through writing and music I will be able to find it, but I haven't yet.
7. Inspire people.
Well... this isn't so much inspire, but help. I love when people come to me for advice because it not only gives me a chance to forget about my problems, but I just love being the shoulder that people can lean on when they need it.
8. Stop being so shy.
Ah, it's a trait I've always had, and I've just grown to live with it around people who know me, but I'm afraid people when they just meet me don't want to know more because I'm not my real self.
9. Learn to love myself and others.
This goes without explanation.
10. Be the best I can be.
Okay, you always hear all the people saying that they want to be better, but I don't want to set the bar too high. I'll never be perfect. And I'll never be right for some people. I'll never be so-and-so's best friend, and I'll never be girlfriend material for him, but maybe I'm the perfect best friend for someone else and the perfect girlfriend for that other guy.
This post was just more for my doing that your reading, and if you read it and finished with, "Who cares?" haha nice one and it's okay. And if you finished with "Nice", I think we should be friends. :)
That is all. :)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Losing
I think I'm losing it. And don't ask me what 'it' is. That's just an expression. But I really don't think I ever had 'it', whatever 'it' is. I grew up kind of blind to the real world. I never saw it for what it is until now though. I was blind to everything. Blind to my parent's real thoughts. Blind to the fact that in three short years I am an adult. Blind to the fact that I never had any real people in my life. Blind to the fake love. And when I started this blog post, I was going to say that I would win this battle, try and keep it positive, you know? But I'm up against just about everything in my life and yesterday was like a giant cannon that blew up all my positive thoughts. Every little worry, every little stress is armed against me on the opposite side of the field. And normally I would look beside me and see all my friends, my family, my good things in life standing there fighting with me. But now when I look out, all I see is an empty field and my normal allies against me. I'm losing and this time I don't think I will get back up. And maybe I just don't even want to this time.
Friday, January 11, 2013
friendship
This is a touchy subject for me. You know, I've always kind of had issues with friends. I was either too annoying or too weird or too.... well, me. And no one seemed to like that. I just remember those times in elementary school where I could just go up to someone and say "Let's be best friends!" and they would say okay and we would be inseparable. It has kind of dawned on me recently that I currently am no longer best friends with my elementary friends. And it would be a normal story to say that we all grew apart. But we didn't. I still see my old best friends, my old partners in crime, hanging out and being goof balls, not caring about anything. They sort of pushed me out. Or maybe I pushed myself out. I don't know. All of the friends I had that were really good ones I just pushed away.... My best friend from forever wasn't cool enough for my 'friends' in 7th grade I tried to impress and I pushed her away... She won't even look my way anymore. She will never know how sorry I am.
Also, my friends from right now... well I thought I had finally found something a few years ago that was true. Nothing in my life has ever been true though, so how in the world should I have believed that? We are all separating... I can see it, I swear. There's the bubbly girl who I've known all my life and I know loves me, but she has a boyfriend who never leaves her side. There's the nicest boy I know who I stood up for all of last year and he's against me. There's the girl who I thought was on my side, but it turns out we were never really friends. There's the girl who will do anything to get away from me now just because I'm in a relationship. There's the boy who hates my boyfriend, so in turn he hates me. There's the girl who would do anything to be on our 'leaders' side. And I kind of realized I had no one there for me today. Really all of my 'best friends' I thought I knew, I didn't. It's kind of scary being in the world all alone.
And then there's the boy that means the most to me of all, and he thinks this is all his fault. But it isn't. He truly is the only one there for me anymore. And I'm really afraid I'm going to lose him too.
Also, my friends from right now... well I thought I had finally found something a few years ago that was true. Nothing in my life has ever been true though, so how in the world should I have believed that? We are all separating... I can see it, I swear. There's the bubbly girl who I've known all my life and I know loves me, but she has a boyfriend who never leaves her side. There's the nicest boy I know who I stood up for all of last year and he's against me. There's the girl who I thought was on my side, but it turns out we were never really friends. There's the girl who will do anything to get away from me now just because I'm in a relationship. There's the boy who hates my boyfriend, so in turn he hates me. There's the girl who would do anything to be on our 'leaders' side. And I kind of realized I had no one there for me today. Really all of my 'best friends' I thought I knew, I didn't. It's kind of scary being in the world all alone.
And then there's the boy that means the most to me of all, and he thinks this is all his fault. But it isn't. He truly is the only one there for me anymore. And I'm really afraid I'm going to lose him too.
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