almost lovers

I don't really know if I should be writing this. Chances are, it'll bite me in the butt. But hey, oh well. Do you know what an almost lover is? It's one of those people that you sorta kinda had a thing with and it didn't work out. I have a couple of those, maybe four. All of those guys I'm still friends with, some more than others, so it's not like it was one of those nasty things. But see, almost lovers are even worse than real lovers. Almost lovers are those people that you think you love, and you think they love you, but neither of you really do. In this process, almost lovers almost always cause heart ache. They are one of those people that you want to be happy, but yet it kills you to see them with someone else. All of my almost lovers I've never gotten over. I guess part of me still has that hope, even though I know it will never work, and I really don't like them. It's hard getting over almost lovers. Sometimes you just have to say goodbye to that person they were and accept the person they are now though, because living in the past sucks. So, goodbye to all my almost lovers.



*inspired by the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy*

me

So I never really introduced myself on here. I'm a very tough person. Some people I let through me easily, but others just don't know the real me. I don't think anyone currently knows the real me. Some I don't trust, some I don't know well enough to trust, some don't deserve to know. Shy is pretty much my middle name. I was never one of those little kids that would jump at the chance to be the star or the attention grabber. I was usually the little kid in the back of the room, sitting quietly, waiting for my turn. I don't know if that's why suddenly when I became less shy I wanted to be the center of attention, but I'll admit it: I want attention sometimes. I come off as bitchy this way. Like if I'm doing something to get back at someone and they don't even notice it just makes me more upset. I also have a hard time getting over things. So these personality traits all mix together into one big giant mess that is me. Whenever I finally get a best friend, I usually push them away with those traits. Either I'm too pushy or not pushy enough, or I lean on them too much, tell them too much, and I come off as whiny. What no one knows though: when I tell people something about me, one of my insecurities, it means they are a step closer to my trust. And now since no one reads these, I'm going to say some of my biggest secrets I guess. I give myself away easily. Like, if a guy comes up to me, I would fall into his arms if he wanted me to. Sometimes I confuse what I just said with what some guys want to do with me. It ends badly. I also purposely stress myself out. I get back aches and head aches from too much stress usually and I purposely make myself stressed so I get the pain. I don't know if that's like a weirded out version of cutting yourself, but I don't know much. People all say I'm really smart, but they don't know how hard I work for where I am. I seriously study maybe two hours a night. It's not natural smart. All those people who say I'm smart? I would be down at their level if I let my guard down for a week. Piano used to be my one love, the one thing that would never hate me. We got in a fight recently, though. I'm on the edge of quitting and I haven't touched it in at least two weeks. I have this thing about being the best- like I said earlier, it's part of those traits. Everyone always tells me I'm good, but to me, I'm not good enough unless I'm the best.

Well, this was pretty much just one of those, 'letters you'll never send' deals. If anyone reads this, don't worry. Again, it's just me.

the pusher.

We all achieve to do something, right? I mean, for example, if you want to be a good baseball player, you get yourself out on the field everyday and you keep in shape. Naturally for me, I get a little obsessive at things when I'm trying to practice, but it's still normal. I want to be good at what I do. I kind of have a feeling that by practicing and by joining everything I've pushed away my friends though. They've found fun in others and I just sit home by myself some nights and watch them go out and have fun. I just wish I could be my old self but still achieve things.

moment of grace

So you know how in High School Musical at the end they all come together with this huge song and forget all their differences and you get goosebumps from the touchy-feely ness of it? I call this happy go lucky ending in movies a moment of grace. We all know that it won't stay that way and eventually things will go back to normal, but for one moment in time, everyone is friends with everyone. Out of everything I want I think that is what I want. My grade is more like the movie Mean Girls... we are all separated into little cliques that stay as far away from each other as possible for fear of being made fun of or humiliated. It's a rough process. I accept my band geek title, as do the whores accept theirs, and the nerds accept theirs. It's almost like an instinct why we do this. When you have your little group, you are cocooned in safety. But say I walk up to one of those popular girls in my grade. They would either A. laugh in my face, B. fake it and make fun of me later or C. just ignore me completely. It's almost like I'm not worthy. Then again, I'd be expected to do the same thing, say an outcast walked up to me. Maybe I want to talk about boys with a popular and an outcast at the same time. Because, really, we are all human, and sectioning ourselves off into little things doesn't help anything. Don't get me wrong, I would be morbidly embarrassed if a song came on out of the heavens and we all knew the words and dance moves (I'm an awful dancer). That is only in the movies. All I'm trying to say here is, I'm nice to whoever talks to me, and accept them. I don't follow the status quo. If we could all just come together, for one day, even one lunch period, I would be the happiest girl alive. I would've lived a moment of grace.

flirting

OH, the art of flirting! It can make or break you, and make or break your heart. Flirting can either be innocent, or scary, unintentional or completely planned. I have not mastered this art yet, and part of me is glad I haven't. Going around and flirting with everyone you know isn't exactly ideal in my eyes. Now there is a fine line between flirting and friendship, but there's also a fine line between flirting and love. Flirting is just one of those things that is so completely confusing to the other person, which is why I hate it. Like, the person you are flirting with will never know if you truly like them or you are just doing it for the heck of it. I haven't had the joy to be on that side of it yet though. I'm usually the one played with, but not really liked, which just has bitten me in the butt because I then fell for every guy that did. And they all were just doing the regular playing stuff. So those of you that are reading this and think it's just a fun thing to do to see what girls say, or it's just 'built into you', think before you do it.

fly or float

To be free
To be completely unaware
To fly

But to be comforted
To be completely safe
To float



So I don't know why these six lines have been in my head all day. I mean, where I am now, I've always kind of felt like I am in a cage- one that's impossible to get out of. All I've wanted to ever do was be the best and do the best. Get out of this hell hole I guess. But I've been sort of weepy lately. Like, writing that poem yesterday. Or even just looking around my room and finding little reminisces of when I was just a kid. If I start flying now, who knows what's possible? Maybe someday I'll soar. But if I start too quickly, will I be skipping over what would be the best moments of my life? I'm conflicted I guess- do I want to grow up, or do I want to be a kid while I can? Do I want to work hard for what I want to happen in the future or do I want to have fun?

Should I fly or float?

a poem

there once was a girl
who would light up the room
           when she walked in.
and she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly
and she wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat
and everyone loved her just that way.
and she would lose herself in music
and everyone watched when she did
             because she was the best at it
and her parents were proud
and she never did anything wrong
             bringing home As every day
and her mother would hang them up
and show them to everyone
             who visited them
and her friends never left her side
and her boyfriend said he loved her
              always and forever,
and her father would take her out
              on father daughter dates
and would say he loved her
              every night before she went to sleep

there once was a girl
who would lock herself
               in her room so she could just be alone
and she wanted to be beautiful
               but couldn't figure out how
and she started taking pills
               so she could be skinny
and maybe someone would notice her
and yet, people still liked her.
and she was still good at music
and everyone would listen politely
                but sigh with boredom
and her parents started fighting
                but still were proud
and her mother glanced at her grades
                because that's what mothers are supposed to do
and her friends whispered around her
                because she wasn't talking much anymore
and her boyfriend started looking at other girls
and her father went out without her
                on father daughter date night
and would get back too late
                to say I love you.

there once was a girl
who didn't even bother
                going home anymore
and she didn't care to be beautiful
                because she knew she never would be
and this time she just didn't eat
                because she didn't have the energy to
and no one seemed to care anymore
and she didn't touch her piano
                because she was never good enough
and no one asked her why she didn't anymore
                because no one cared
and her parents didn't even talk anymore
                to each other or her
and she never showed her grades to her mother
                because they were all failing
and she no longer had any friends
                for they had all moved on
and her boyfriend broke up with her
and started dating someone who was beautiful
and her father was gone for weeks at a time
                 forgetting about dates,
and even his daughter
and she would say I love you
                 to herself every night.


so that's why
one day when she got home
and no one was there
                she took out her old pills
and played the piano one last time
and left a note for her parents
and texted all her old friends goodbye
and finally deleted her old boyfriends contact
                out of her phone
and remembered all the times
                 she went out with her father
and said one last damned I love you to herself
                 in the bathroom
                 because she couldn't make it to her bed this time.



if this sounds like the poem from perks, good. it was supposed to. i just copied the format because it kind of inspired me to write this.