only three years.

I think I finally have it all together. I have college visits scheduled, all my stuff for school in two weeks, volunteer jobs and even a real job lined up! So yes, my future is looking bright. Well on paper it's looking bright. But you know how when you have so much stuff on your plate you can't put 110% in everything because that would be impossible- so some things are at about 75% and some are at 80% but then there are the others lacking around 15%. Lately those lacking would be my personality adjustment- the only thing I still hate about myself is that shyness thing you know? I haven't been with my friends much lately, only my best friend and even he's bored with me I think. I used to be stuck in a rut with my future and now I'm stuck in a rut with my present. I don't want to go places- I want to sit around planning how college will be and what kind of activities I'm going to do in the next couple years. But I guess no one gets very far without some friends. So I'll go to the parties and all the hang outs and movie trips but I won't enjoy it. I'll be sitting there, counting down the minutes until I finally leave all these bad people and this hell hole for the beginning of a new me.

never grow up

I think an essential question for me has always been, when do we grow up and become something? Lately I've definitely had a little trouble with the whole 'acting your age thing', being that I am constantly jealous or lying or being sad and fishing for attention. There are those people out there that have always been grown up- the ones that say 'I can sleep when I'm dead' or (and yes, I know its over used) but 'Yolo!'. I was never able to be that girl that went around saying what she really felt and doing whatever seemed fun. I would always be there, too scared to get on the big rollercoaster or afraid to stand up for a best friend. I looked up to those people who could do that, and considered them mature and grown up. I still haven't had that big moment where suddenly I'm not a kid anymore and not walking around with my head to the ground or putting up with childish emotions. So maybe that never happens. Could even those big people who do things on a whim not be fearless? Could adults still have sadness and jealously? I don't know if I want to know. To me, living with this 'maybe it'll get better' idea in my head, is a lot better than having to lose the dream that maybe someday I'll be better.

relying sucks

I think the hardest thing in the world is needing someone when they don't need you. Sometimes they don't even realize you need them and they just let you walk around aimlessly, following someone who doesn't notice you. I recently went to a dance at my school and this issue was everywhere. Girls trying to get guys to notice them, friends dancing with other people to make their best friends jealous- and no one significant noticed. One of my best friends has a crush on another of my friends. It's hard because at one point I really liked him and he liked me, but I was too stuck on being popular that I never said yes. And now that he doesn't want me, it's sort of like being thrown away. And one of my other best guy friends? He didn't talk to me all night. Don't get me wrong, it was really fun. I just see all of my friends going away and my friends are the only things that keep me sane. When my two best friends start dating, his two former girlfriends, also in my friend group, will be so mad and not talk to him. And my other friend is distancing himself. So what am I going to do without them? Are they so caught up in their petty drama to realize that for the past three years, although they have been awful at times, have been the years that kept me from being alone, from being someone I wasn't? Do they not see those days we used to just talk forever about anything, and make those stupid little inside jokes that no one forgets but wants to right now? I don't just need them, I need all of them together. And I know they need everyone too. Maybe they just haven't realized it yet.

for my friend

I start out the conversation,
With 'how was your day's
And 'what's up?'s
Your simple reply,
A little playful 'fighting',
Then I try to remember.
Was there a day I went without you?
And how did I survive?
"I'm always here",
A quick remark to a fickle heart,
A heart with your words tucked away in it,
The questions unanswered,
Constantly running through my head
I need you,
Your little witty sayings,
Your short but perfect advice,
You smiles, your hugs,
Separation from you
Is something I can not handle.
It always happens, though
Those little breaks in friendship,
Different paths,
Different lives,
Walking to our own destination
What if our paths weren't meant to corss again?
What if I'm stuck in this big world without my best friend?
Maybe that's a good thing though
You will have kids, a beautiful wife,
I'll send you a text now and again,
'We should meet up'
But we never will.
So will you promise me?
To never forget me?
To tell your kids the stupid things we did, show them the pictures?
Will you still be my friend in the end?
I don't think I will forget you,
You changed my heart, my mind,
You made me a better person,
You made me, me,
I end the conversation,
With a simple good night,
A 'see you tomorrow' or two,
Hopefully our stupid little conversations always end like that.

zodiacs

Normally I'm not one to believe in superstitions. You saw a ghost? You need a counselor. You believe in magic? You belong in an insane asylum. People create things like magic and ghosts to help them deal with things that they can't without some other being helping them along. I always did have an interest in zodiac signs though. For those of you who don't know what they are, zodiacs are things you are born with. Each one represents about a month of time and whenever you are born, you get that zodiac. Most zodiacs are supposed to be reflective on what kind of personality that person has. Luckily for me, I was born on October 23rd. Some zodiacs say that's Libra. Others say it's Scorpio. So yeah, I'm the freak with the two zodiacs. Naturally on days I have time, I like to look at my horoscope on both zodiacs. They are usually freakily accurate. Characteristically, Libras are like obsessive, to put it lightly. They are described as shy but intelligent, and to be very compassionate, and fear hurting others or hostile situations. Like that is me. But then Scorpios, they are the stubborn ones. They get jealous and easily hurt, and have a really strong emotional strength. So, is it strange that out of all the zodiacs, these are a mixture of me, and I was born between them? Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe I should also start believing...

a lifetime

I always have those little lesson learned moments at the end of every year. In 7th grade I learned that I was kidding myself- I would never be popular, and I was right where I needed to be. In 8th grade, I learned that the people who you thought would always be there for you sometimes leave. It may not be the end of the year yet, but this lesson I've learned should carry me through. I used to think having a boyfriend would be the best thing in the world- over everything. I would even compromise myself just to have a certain boy's approval. But last night, sitting in a room with my friends just being myself and having fun, I realized that it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not meant to be one of those girls who goes around flirting and kissing guys for fun. That's not me. I am someone who can just walk through life with a hand on each side to hold of a friend and enjoy myself. So maybe I don't have a boyfriend, and I turned down the only boy recently who was ever interested in me(even if it was for the wrong reasons), but I have friendship. And friendship lasts a lifetime.

bad flirting fate

I don't know if it's fate that leads us to do things. Maybe I was destined to be one of those band geeks. Maybe being a little shy was just written in the stars for me. So why does it seem like everytime I try to lead something in my favor, it turns sour? Was I destined to be a turn off when talking to guys? I don't think God is THAT cruel. I guess this whole post is about my 'ew why is that potato talking to me' effect I have on guys when I try to flirt. It figures that out of every guy that I possibly know, the only one that wants to flirt is the one I don't want to flirt with! I think my guy friends just look at me as that girl who they will love but never LOVE love. That girl that's kinda funny, but is treated as 'one of the guys'. That girl that's kinda pretty... But have you seen *****?! I'm just kind of stuck in this little in between place, and I have no idea how to escape. I'm stuck in the cage of my bad flirting fate.