Unwanted

Unwanted. Have you ever felt like that? Like no matter what you do or say, no one is going to care and no one is even there for you? It's kind of a sucky feeling. You feel like you don't matter to anyone, so why even try? Well, I kind of have a cure for that. You just have to think of the future. As hard as it may be for you to comprehend, someday, you will mean the world to someone. It doesn't really matter when, but it will happen. And the funny thing? There's probably already someone out there longing for you to notice them and you don't. I get insecure too sometimes. It's human nature. Somedays, I just feel like the ugliest human being ever to walk this earth and I know it will never get better and I'm going to die alone BLAH BLAH BLAH and those rants go on for days. But it's cool cuz, no matter what happens, someone will love you someday and you will love them. Do you know how much life you still have to live as you read this? You have places to go, fantastic people to see and amazing people to be with and guess what? There is someone out there perfect for you. Everyone has an opportunity to be great, and all you have to do is try. Whatever your dreams are, you can't reach them struggling slowly day to day, wishing for a better life. Be yourself, no matter what people think of you. Eat as much as you freaking want, because out of all the things people can be, mean, rude, annoying, fat isn't the worst one. Take risks: Go on that roller coaster you've always wanted to try, but never had the guts. I promise you won't die. Replace those hateful thoughts with positive ones: If you really can't stand even looking at your hair, maybe your eyes are really pretty. Focus on that. Talk to people: You know, it is okay to be the first to text someone. Maybe they were waiting for your text too. Say the wrong thing. It's better to speak up and be heard than wonder what would have happened had you spoke up. Make mistakes: You are human. Fall in love: You will get back up. And you never know. Maybe it will be fantastic. Laugh until you cry. Break rules: You only live once.

LIVE. 

Because life is amazing, but precious. 'Yolo' isn't something to take lightly, you do only live once. So just live.



And remember, no matter how down you are, the best thing to do is smile. You never know how many people's days you can make when you smile. I hope I made your day today.

Love

What is love? Have you ever really thought of that? I mean, it's easy to say you love your parents and family. You just grow up with them saying they love you, so automatically you love them back. It's even easy to love a best friend. You would do anything for them, and they would do anything for you. But I think our vision of real love is a little skewed, not the 'best friend' love, but the 'being in a relationship' love. I grew up seeing all of these girls on TV seeing a guy for the first time, falling in love completely at first glance and then the happy music would play and happily ever after. But you know what I never realized? Those sappy movies, the guy always loved the girls back. No questions, no reality. But this isn't a movie, this is real life. We grow up with automatic love, and fake love in the movies. How are we supposed to know what true love is? Every guy I've liked has just automatically gone in the love category after I've crushed on them and they crushed back. I just never realized what I was saying when I said 'Ohhh I love so and so!!'. Love is a strong word. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone in the relationship way, unconditionally, irrevocably, in love. There are a lot of people that I would do anything for. But really, I don't think love is just best friends, with something on top. I think that relationship love and best friend love are two completely different things. Now if two best friends start crushing on each other, how long does it take to be in love? Who knows! Love is something that is indescribable, so how in the world could you know when you are in it? Right now, all I know is that around him I get butterflies and instantly happy. Is that love? I really don't think so. I think my love for him as a best friend is mixing in with my crushing on him into a messy, complicated thing. I do like him. And he likes me. Do you need real love to be in a relationship that is based on a friendship? Eventually. Do you need it right away? Absolutely not. Loving is marriage. Liking is a relationship between a 10th grader and a 9th grader.... I don't think in high school you need love right away. The love of friendship needs to first boil down to just like for each other, and then build up to love. And I don't think it's possible to love someone so soon in a relationship. What someone in a high school relationship should do, is just be happy together. Wait. There's no need to grow up so soon and say 'Woot! I'm in love! Finally!'. You just need to slow down, and enjoy it. Be okay with just being in like. That's all you really know how to do at this point, and really all you can do. Now if you are in a relationship for like three years in high school, first WOW. Second, maybe then you are in love. Love needs time..... We need time....


Sorry this post is so confusing. Only one reader will actually get it. But it's probably so confusing because we are talking about love. Love is a confusing word.

And?

Have you seen that new coke commercial where the guy drinks the new coke zero that has no caffeine and no sugar or something and the guy keeps going 'and?' because he wants more from life? That's one of my favorite commercials because it captures America how it is right now. For example, Lindsey Lohan. She was perfect: she had money, she was famous and she was pretty. But she kept saying 'and?' and couldn't find anything better in life than what she had, and look where she is now. I always thought I was above things like this. Well, actually, I thought I was above being that average teenager that wants too much. It was easy being that depressed teenager. Being sad because I didn't have this or didn't have that. But it's funny. I made a little  'dream life' I guess you could say a few months ago, of how I wanted to be right now. And it's all here. I should be happy, right? Everything I ever wanted? But I just keep finding myself saying 'and?'. What else is out there for me? What else can I achieve? What is God's plan for me? These questions and the never ending 'and?' keep running through my head.



But this is the biggest question of all, running through my head: How much does it take to be happy, and how much is too much?

perfection

I get hurt easily. Maybe it's because I'm one of those people that wants to be best friends with everyone, and not everyone wants to be best friends with me. Or maybe it's because I let myself get hurt. I'm kind of a dramatic person, kind of a stereotype of a teenage girl: I think that everything should be like the movies. Perfect endings, perfect love, perfect friendships. Not every moment in your life can be a scene straight out of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, though. Sometimes life completely sucks. Sometimes you get awful grades, or someone beats you in the one thing you know best. Sometimes people are MEAN. Sometimes you lose the one person you believed in. I always knew nothing could be 'perfect', but I didn't know things could get this awful.

strong

Currently my English class is reading Of Mice and Men. No, I'm not going to complain about how hard it is, like the rest of my class, because it's not a hard book. You would have to be dumber than a box of raisins to not understand the themes in the book- loneliness, euthanasia, hopes and dreams and societal isolation. (Which, sadly, some people in my class are.) What I can't stand about the book is the message of it.

Now the loneliness and hopes and dreams are good themes on Steinbeck's part. The main characters, George and Lennie are trying to find the American Dream, they want to live on a ranch and pretty much just make a life for themselves, and many characters, like the stablebuck, Crooks, are lonely throughout the novel. I'm also sort of okay with the euthanasia, or mercy killing parts of the book, where Candy, the old man, has one of the other men kill his old dog because it can't work properly. (and I won't mention the other killing in the book, just in case some of you haven't read it).

The only theme I have a complete problem with is the societal isolation one. Lennie is mentally disabled, and Steinbeck (although I don't blame him for telling the truth in this novel, it is still a harsh way to portray how people were back then) has pretty much every character, even his only friend, George, make fun of his disability. There are also racial things like the stablebuck, being looked over just for the color of his skin. But even I can handle a little racism in books, because that's just how people acted back then. What really gets me is the way Steinbeck portrays women in the novel. The only woman that has even the slightest speaking role in the book is a woman who is in the simplest terms, a whore and sleeps around the ranch even though she is married. All the men stay away from her and act like she has a disease. Steinbeck is pretty much saying that all women are like this and it perturbs me. Ugh.

Women are strong, independent people, and can easily do anything a man can do. Welcome to the 21st Century, men! And no, I will not make you a sandwich. 

fortune cookies and smiles

mmm. that title sounds all yummy. :)

hahaha.

well normally i'm not one to believe in little superstitious stuff, like fortune cookies and zodiac signs and things like that. tomorrow's my birthday, so for my birthday dinner, my mom got me Chinese. when I went into the store and tried to pick up my food, the lady told me to wait and handed me a fortune cookie that said 'never quit'. so you may all be like oh what a freak, believing fortune cookies. but sometimes you need something to believe in.

so today I had band practice after school. and let me tell you, today was awful. i got a bad grade on a test, my one friend was mad at me, i had a headache all day, NONE of the saxophones were listening. -_- so i was pretty cranky. that was, until a girl came up to me. she was one of the dancers, we call them dance drill, but most people call them color guard. i had never talked to her before, she was one of the 7th graders. and she came up to me and poked me and i snapped, 'WHAT?!'. and you know what she said? 'I just wanted to tell you that you look really pretty today.' and she smiled at me. and walked away. that just happened to really make my day.

the moral of this long post is: i'm taking these moments today as signs. to always find the better in things, and to always help someone when they are down.

so i'm starting on this entry.
anyone reading this who thinks they aren't beautiful, you are. it's just the haters who are ugly. 





proof of my fortune cookie luck. :) sorry for the bad quality, it was taken with a crappy ipod. :/

Thinking...

I think a lot. I worry. I dream. I imagine perfect little scenarios for the next day, good or bad. They don't usually come true. But I think. Lately, I've been thinking about life. I'm a 9th grader, so this is when my life starts. This is when colleges look at you closely, looking for any little flaw they can find.
Anyway, I'm not a little kid anymore. It really hurts to grow up. I would actually give anything right now to be in that little kid age, where everything was just innocence and fun. So now as I try to go to sleep tonight, I think of all the things I'm never going to have anymore... The magic of Christmas... the imagination... the ability to believe in fairytales, in happily ever after. Sometimes it sucks growing up really.
But now I have to start realizing what I want. Like, I am not even kidding, you could go around to any kid in my grade right now and they'd know exactly what they wanted. Doctor. Lawyer. The Military. Is it sad I don't know?
Maybe not knowing is better, though. Maybe it's better to dream and just still be a kid, believe in that happily ever after. What we really should be worried about is if we just had a good time while we were here, and lived in the moment. Because although all this worrying and all the troubles we have now are hard, they are actually pretty petty in the long run. But it's life. And if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be so beautiful.