the monster

there's this voice in my head.
she speaks to me everyday.
muzzles can't touch this blabber.
what is this voice?
i call her many names.
my favorite is monster.
she speaks of hatred,
she speaks of jealously,
she speaks of evil.
Do this.
Do that.
this voice controls me.
she makes me stress.
she makes me worry.
she makes me cry.
Work.
Work.
Work.
all i get are commands.
Be better.
Must be the best.
all i get are pessimistic words.
Ugly.
Fat.
Loser.
i can't get away.
all i am is a slave to her demands.
but what is her newest demand?
Leave.
No one cares anyways.
Who said you had friends?
Who said your family loved you?
she is now screaming it.
screaming at me to leave.
her screams never cease.
i can't get away from her...
... but what is that?
you say this voice is me?
it can't be!
how could it?
i am a slave to myself?
i am the monster?

yes.
i am the monster.

recreation.

I spent my last weekend being anorexic. Lol, jk. Well sorta. I went to this 30 Hour Famine thing where we obviously didn't eat for 30 hours. Now, I'm not gonna get on here and talk about how amazingly fun it was (which it was), but kinda what I learned. When I write on here, it's usually me complaining about something, whether it be friends, or my dad, or something really stupid. I mean, they showed us all these videos of children that barely had any clothes, let alone a reason to be upset that theirs weren't designer, and some didn't even live with their parents anymore, but yet I constantly complain about my loving ones. It was just kinda one of those 'Whoa, I'm an awfully spoiled person' moments. So, from now on, I'm not gonna complain anymore on here. I'm gonna write about happy things, or at least reasons to be happy. And I'm gonna be a different person now. I mean, I have a new school next year, new possibilities, new people, new friend possibilities... Now's the time to recreate myself. And this isn't gonna be one of those things where the girl gets all snotty and then learns a lesson... I'm gonna recreate myself for the better and just be an all around better person. But most of all? Every night I'm gonna think of those kids, and I'm gonna pray for them. They deserve what I have more than I do. But, they really can't. So, instead, along with my praying, I will be the best person I can be. That's all God wanted anyways.

almost lovers

I don't really know if I should be writing this. Chances are, it'll bite me in the butt. But hey, oh well. Do you know what an almost lover is? It's one of those people that you sorta kinda had a thing with and it didn't work out. I have a couple of those, maybe four. All of those guys I'm still friends with, some more than others, so it's not like it was one of those nasty things. But see, almost lovers are even worse than real lovers. Almost lovers are those people that you think you love, and you think they love you, but neither of you really do. In this process, almost lovers almost always cause heart ache. They are one of those people that you want to be happy, but yet it kills you to see them with someone else. All of my almost lovers I've never gotten over. I guess part of me still has that hope, even though I know it will never work, and I really don't like them. It's hard getting over almost lovers. Sometimes you just have to say goodbye to that person they were and accept the person they are now though, because living in the past sucks. So, goodbye to all my almost lovers.



*inspired by the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy*

me

So I never really introduced myself on here. I'm a very tough person. Some people I let through me easily, but others just don't know the real me. I don't think anyone currently knows the real me. Some I don't trust, some I don't know well enough to trust, some don't deserve to know. Shy is pretty much my middle name. I was never one of those little kids that would jump at the chance to be the star or the attention grabber. I was usually the little kid in the back of the room, sitting quietly, waiting for my turn. I don't know if that's why suddenly when I became less shy I wanted to be the center of attention, but I'll admit it: I want attention sometimes. I come off as bitchy this way. Like if I'm doing something to get back at someone and they don't even notice it just makes me more upset. I also have a hard time getting over things. So these personality traits all mix together into one big giant mess that is me. Whenever I finally get a best friend, I usually push them away with those traits. Either I'm too pushy or not pushy enough, or I lean on them too much, tell them too much, and I come off as whiny. What no one knows though: when I tell people something about me, one of my insecurities, it means they are a step closer to my trust. And now since no one reads these, I'm going to say some of my biggest secrets I guess. I give myself away easily. Like, if a guy comes up to me, I would fall into his arms if he wanted me to. Sometimes I confuse what I just said with what some guys want to do with me. It ends badly. I also purposely stress myself out. I get back aches and head aches from too much stress usually and I purposely make myself stressed so I get the pain. I don't know if that's like a weirded out version of cutting yourself, but I don't know much. People all say I'm really smart, but they don't know how hard I work for where I am. I seriously study maybe two hours a night. It's not natural smart. All those people who say I'm smart? I would be down at their level if I let my guard down for a week. Piano used to be my one love, the one thing that would never hate me. We got in a fight recently, though. I'm on the edge of quitting and I haven't touched it in at least two weeks. I have this thing about being the best- like I said earlier, it's part of those traits. Everyone always tells me I'm good, but to me, I'm not good enough unless I'm the best.

Well, this was pretty much just one of those, 'letters you'll never send' deals. If anyone reads this, don't worry. Again, it's just me.

the pusher.

We all achieve to do something, right? I mean, for example, if you want to be a good baseball player, you get yourself out on the field everyday and you keep in shape. Naturally for me, I get a little obsessive at things when I'm trying to practice, but it's still normal. I want to be good at what I do. I kind of have a feeling that by practicing and by joining everything I've pushed away my friends though. They've found fun in others and I just sit home by myself some nights and watch them go out and have fun. I just wish I could be my old self but still achieve things.

moment of grace

So you know how in High School Musical at the end they all come together with this huge song and forget all their differences and you get goosebumps from the touchy-feely ness of it? I call this happy go lucky ending in movies a moment of grace. We all know that it won't stay that way and eventually things will go back to normal, but for one moment in time, everyone is friends with everyone. Out of everything I want I think that is what I want. My grade is more like the movie Mean Girls... we are all separated into little cliques that stay as far away from each other as possible for fear of being made fun of or humiliated. It's a rough process. I accept my band geek title, as do the whores accept theirs, and the nerds accept theirs. It's almost like an instinct why we do this. When you have your little group, you are cocooned in safety. But say I walk up to one of those popular girls in my grade. They would either A. laugh in my face, B. fake it and make fun of me later or C. just ignore me completely. It's almost like I'm not worthy. Then again, I'd be expected to do the same thing, say an outcast walked up to me. Maybe I want to talk about boys with a popular and an outcast at the same time. Because, really, we are all human, and sectioning ourselves off into little things doesn't help anything. Don't get me wrong, I would be morbidly embarrassed if a song came on out of the heavens and we all knew the words and dance moves (I'm an awful dancer). That is only in the movies. All I'm trying to say here is, I'm nice to whoever talks to me, and accept them. I don't follow the status quo. If we could all just come together, for one day, even one lunch period, I would be the happiest girl alive. I would've lived a moment of grace.

flirting

OH, the art of flirting! It can make or break you, and make or break your heart. Flirting can either be innocent, or scary, unintentional or completely planned. I have not mastered this art yet, and part of me is glad I haven't. Going around and flirting with everyone you know isn't exactly ideal in my eyes. Now there is a fine line between flirting and friendship, but there's also a fine line between flirting and love. Flirting is just one of those things that is so completely confusing to the other person, which is why I hate it. Like, the person you are flirting with will never know if you truly like them or you are just doing it for the heck of it. I haven't had the joy to be on that side of it yet though. I'm usually the one played with, but not really liked, which just has bitten me in the butt because I then fell for every guy that did. And they all were just doing the regular playing stuff. So those of you that are reading this and think it's just a fun thing to do to see what girls say, or it's just 'built into you', think before you do it.