for my friend

I start out the conversation,
With 'how was your day's
And 'what's up?'s
Your simple reply,
A little playful 'fighting',
Then I try to remember.
Was there a day I went without you?
And how did I survive?
"I'm always here",
A quick remark to a fickle heart,
A heart with your words tucked away in it,
The questions unanswered,
Constantly running through my head
I need you,
Your little witty sayings,
Your short but perfect advice,
You smiles, your hugs,
Separation from you
Is something I can not handle.
It always happens, though
Those little breaks in friendship,
Different paths,
Different lives,
Walking to our own destination
What if our paths weren't meant to corss again?
What if I'm stuck in this big world without my best friend?
Maybe that's a good thing though
You will have kids, a beautiful wife,
I'll send you a text now and again,
'We should meet up'
But we never will.
So will you promise me?
To never forget me?
To tell your kids the stupid things we did, show them the pictures?
Will you still be my friend in the end?
I don't think I will forget you,
You changed my heart, my mind,
You made me a better person,
You made me, me,
I end the conversation,
With a simple good night,
A 'see you tomorrow' or two,
Hopefully our stupid little conversations always end like that.

zodiacs

Normally I'm not one to believe in superstitions. You saw a ghost? You need a counselor. You believe in magic? You belong in an insane asylum. People create things like magic and ghosts to help them deal with things that they can't without some other being helping them along. I always did have an interest in zodiac signs though. For those of you who don't know what they are, zodiacs are things you are born with. Each one represents about a month of time and whenever you are born, you get that zodiac. Most zodiacs are supposed to be reflective on what kind of personality that person has. Luckily for me, I was born on October 23rd. Some zodiacs say that's Libra. Others say it's Scorpio. So yeah, I'm the freak with the two zodiacs. Naturally on days I have time, I like to look at my horoscope on both zodiacs. They are usually freakily accurate. Characteristically, Libras are like obsessive, to put it lightly. They are described as shy but intelligent, and to be very compassionate, and fear hurting others or hostile situations. Like that is me. But then Scorpios, they are the stubborn ones. They get jealous and easily hurt, and have a really strong emotional strength. So, is it strange that out of all the zodiacs, these are a mixture of me, and I was born between them? Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe I should also start believing...

a lifetime

I always have those little lesson learned moments at the end of every year. In 7th grade I learned that I was kidding myself- I would never be popular, and I was right where I needed to be. In 8th grade, I learned that the people who you thought would always be there for you sometimes leave. It may not be the end of the year yet, but this lesson I've learned should carry me through. I used to think having a boyfriend would be the best thing in the world- over everything. I would even compromise myself just to have a certain boy's approval. But last night, sitting in a room with my friends just being myself and having fun, I realized that it's where I'm supposed to be. I'm not meant to be one of those girls who goes around flirting and kissing guys for fun. That's not me. I am someone who can just walk through life with a hand on each side to hold of a friend and enjoy myself. So maybe I don't have a boyfriend, and I turned down the only boy recently who was ever interested in me(even if it was for the wrong reasons), but I have friendship. And friendship lasts a lifetime.

bad flirting fate

I don't know if it's fate that leads us to do things. Maybe I was destined to be one of those band geeks. Maybe being a little shy was just written in the stars for me. So why does it seem like everytime I try to lead something in my favor, it turns sour? Was I destined to be a turn off when talking to guys? I don't think God is THAT cruel. I guess this whole post is about my 'ew why is that potato talking to me' effect I have on guys when I try to flirt. It figures that out of every guy that I possibly know, the only one that wants to flirt is the one I don't want to flirt with! I think my guy friends just look at me as that girl who they will love but never LOVE love. That girl that's kinda funny, but is treated as 'one of the guys'. That girl that's kinda pretty... But have you seen *****?! I'm just kind of stuck in this little in between place, and I have no idea how to escape. I'm stuck in the cage of my bad flirting fate.

unfortunate events

Today's post is about unfortunate events. You know like those times where you get that awful gut feeling because you know you said something wrong? Ah, yes.. For example once at a church camp I made a joke with the word 'bitch' in it. Long story short, I never really went there again. And not only do these awful things haunt us, but they all seem to come up at night when all anyone wants to do is sleep. Which is actually kind of why I am writing this as my eyes slowly close in exhaustion and another memory pops up. Lord help me.

the perfect pair

I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do.

I can't think of anything

But you.

Your hugs, 

Your smile,

Those beautiful eyes,

Somedays I think I'm losing my mind.

You make me feel breathless,

You make me feel sick,

With everything you do,

Ever so perfect

But why would I matter?

Why would you care?

I'm merely a little girl

It's really not fair.

I just want to be special

I want to be yours

But that's just fantasy

You're too mature

But you'll be in my dreams

And forever there,

I'll be in your arms,

The perfect pair.

the monster

there's this voice in my head.
she speaks to me everyday.
muzzles can't touch this blabber.
what is this voice?
i call her many names.
my favorite is monster.
she speaks of hatred,
she speaks of jealously,
she speaks of evil.
Do this.
Do that.
this voice controls me.
she makes me stress.
she makes me worry.
she makes me cry.
Work.
Work.
Work.
all i get are commands.
Be better.
Must be the best.
all i get are pessimistic words.
Ugly.
Fat.
Loser.
i can't get away.
all i am is a slave to her demands.
but what is her newest demand?
Leave.
No one cares anyways.
Who said you had friends?
Who said your family loved you?
she is now screaming it.
screaming at me to leave.
her screams never cease.
i can't get away from her...
... but what is that?
you say this voice is me?
it can't be!
how could it?
i am a slave to myself?
i am the monster?

yes.
i am the monster.